Crashing

Here is a new post that I worked an old post into…

Pressure; suffocating me from the inside as my world collapses around me. I can’t breathe, can’t eat, can’t live. My innards begin to invert as the feeling of absolute despair thickens. The river of my emotions has been flooded by the rains of my misery and tears. The current grabs a hold of me and I become a child’s ragdoll, barely able to keep my head above the  cresting waves. What will I do? Dealing with these moments is how we define ourselves- will you be strong or weak? The easy answer is to stop fighting and let the waves overwhelm and wash over you as you gulp down mouthfuls of water until you drown. This situation has happened to many. The weak will flounder and eventually have the fight  washed from them. But, if you keep fighting, you will have endured the worst as the current will dissipate and allow you to reach for the coast. You can’t expect someone to come along and offer liberation. You must save yourself from your own flood- your runaway hopelessness. If you’re lucky, you may find someone on the coast who is willing to give you a helping hand, out of the now calm current and dried off.

Love Is…

I hope to update this post later but I’ve decided to take a break from this piece for the time being…

 Simply, love is happiness.  More than that, love is closing your eyes and smiling as her face forms in your mind. You can remember the sound of her laugh, how she fits perfectly in your embrace, her floral scented perfume and of course, the taste of her lips from your most recent kiss. A glimpse of her beauty brings a breath of fresh air and  rejuvenation. She is your everything. Her smile becomes all that is needed to steal the words from you and you wouldn’t have it any other way. A stupid smile on your face, causes her to laugh that sweet laugh you repeatedly think about. She stands tall in a light pastel colored sundress. Sun shining bright and hot from behind while the soft breeze whips her hair and flutters the skirt of her dress. To you, this is the ultimate embodiment of beauty and strength. The true manifestation of the spirit of a truly beautiful woman.

                I’d do anything for you, to keep you smiling. You are my lantern in a dark world; flame burning strong and bright. You have the power to help me through any situation, no matter how terrible it may seem. The way your presence fills me with life, I could take on any challenge; impossible becoming effortless.

 

Interior Disturbance

I will probably want to add more later.

A prisoner in my own mind, I am caged. Going through the days wondering when my release date will be told. Four walls enclose me in this small cell. I am left to my thoughts of an escape, only to be foiled at each attempt. I did the crime and have done the time, but do I truly deserve every year I have been given? Who is my warden? How do I communicate my achievements to someone I don’t know?

I write letters to my friends on the outside, but none of them have the answers I seek. So, in this confinement, alone with my mind, I search myself for the answers. How do I get out of this hell and never again return?

A storm brews outside my walls. The walls and ceiling leak, soaking me, yet giving me hope that there is a weakness in the confines that have me held up. The cell reverberates the thunder and with the gusts of wind, cause an interior disturbance. I yell to the guards for some protection. There is never a reply.

Keep Your Head Up

I will NOT be adding more to this later as I worked it into my post Crashing…

Everyone gets knocked around and eventually we are hit hard enough to be knocked down on our ass. Dealing with these moments is how we define ourselves- will you be strong or weak? The easy answer is to drown. When it’s hard to keep your head above the rapidly rising current, the weak flounder and eventually the fight is washed away from them. But if you keep fighting, the current will dissipate and allow you to reach the coast. You can’t expect rescue. You must save yourself from your own flood- your mind. If you’re lucky, someone may be on the coast willing to give you a hand to help get you out of the water and dried off. Be strong and you’ll find success and lasting happiness.

All Uphill

Written Dec. 2009

When things go down
And you begin to frown
Cause you think everything’s fucking wrong
Just chill and sing this song
Cause no matter how low you are
The top really isn’t all that far
So put one foot in front of the other
And start walking, but here’s another
Cause if you’ve got a special someone
then you’re already half way done
Cause from here you need the skill
Cause it’s fucking all up hill

We all know the road to recovery
Is pretty fucking shitty
But don’t you go and worry
Cause even though it isn’t easy
The situation is something that can be overcome
So when you’re down at the bottom
Just remember it can be done
You just need to stay driven
Cause it’s all just uphill
Just all uphill

Trust me when I say
That just cause shit went array
Doesn’t mean that life’s over
So pull up the anchor
And let yourself rise, fucking rise
You’ll be in for one big surprise
Cause after awhile
All this shit become worthwhile
Cause the hill eventually plateaus
And the happiness just grows
So people keep your cool
And don’t be a fucking fool

Once you reach the top
You really can’t stop
Cause you need to keep on pushing
‘if you want to keep rising
Cause we all know shit ain’t easy
But it needs to be done fully
So just find something to motivate you
To help you have a breakthrough
Stick with your crew
Cause they’ll help you through
So I say, stick it out till the end
And watch as you ascend

We all know the road to recovery
Is pretty fucking shitty
But don’t you go and worry
Cause even though it isn’t easy
The situation is something that can be overcome
So when you’re down at the bottom
Just remember it can be done
You just need to stay driven
Cause it’s all just uphill
Just all uphill, just all uphill, it’s just all uphill

Packed For Two

Written Oct. 2010

It’s been a long night

To stay awake I fight

I still can’t think

The clock moves too slowly

And I sit here bleakly

So I hit the bowl packed for two

Ever continuing to think of you

I have this bowl packed for two

And to say its not for you would be untrue

I wish you’d come and join

Cause my heart, you’ve purloined

But I continue to sit alone with the bowl for two

Continuing to think of you

I wonder when we’ll meet up

Have one hell of a hookup

Just me, you, and the bowl for two

While feeling mellow, have a breakthrough

We will realize the truth

That we’ve been perfect since youth

Now I’m asking more than do you want a hit

And fuck I hope you think I’m legit

I have this bowl packed for two

And to say its not for you would be untrue

I wish you’d come and join

Cause my heart, you’ve purloined

So I continue to sit here with the bowl for two

Waiting for an answer from you

And now I know you’re the culprit

Who stole my heart, the misfit

So I ask, are you gonna take it and run away

Or tease me with it like some sort of foreplay

Fuck you’ve got me going insane

Like I was taking hits through my nose of cocaine

So as the smoke stops pouring from my piece

It seems the time for us has come to cease

I have this bowl packed for two

And to say its not for you would be untrue

I wish you’d come and join

Cause my heart, you’ve purloined

But I continue to sit alone with the bowl for two

Continuing to think of you

Just cause I think things seem to end

That don’t mean shit, in a few days is a new weekend

New chance to fuck us up, or get fucked up together

I just tell how it is, and in fact I’m a late bloomer

You think you already know me, fuck you don’t know my potential

Its stored up inside me like a bottle

Waiting to crash, to shatter, to burn

Like the bud in this bowl, you ready to learn

Never Know

Another Song from Nov. 2010

As I sit here exhaling

I let my mind drift and get to thinking

I wanna know how I got here

Cause my past,present, and future are still unclear

Things haven’t gone quite as planned

But sometimes the unexpected becomes the best plan

And so now I wonder where you are

Inhale again, and see you there, my shining star

 

Its hard to know what’ll happen

Things change and paths are laid through a simple action

I wonder just how I’ll get to you

Cause no matter my efforts, the future i can’t view

So all I can do, is sit here lost in thought

Knowing that none of this is shit is for naught

 

At this point in time I’ve,

Been through a ton of shit but still have the drive

To say fuck it and keep going on

Cause I know that my path isn’t fully drawn

You never know about the people you meet

She could turn out amazing, my treat

Or she could just be a bitch and cheat

Either way you just can’t retreat

 

Its hard to know what’ll happen

Things change and paths are laid through a simple action

I wonder just how I’ll get to you

Cause no matter my efforts, the future i can’t view

So all I can do, is sit here lost in thought

Knowing that none of this is shit is for naught

 

So I take another hit, and zone out

Thinking bout you and me, we aren’t that far out

Wondering what to do, are you the right call

With my head, I start to brawl

Listing all the pros and cons

All the laughs and yawns, the nights and dawns

I wish I knew how we’d end

And just want you intend

 

Its hard to know what’ll happen

Things change and paths are laid through a simple action

I wonder just how I’ll get to you

Cause no matter my efforts, the future i can’t view

So all I can do, is sit here lost in thought

Out There

An old song lyric I found on my Facebook page from Nov. 2010

I know it feels so good

When she makes you feel like no one could

And I know how much it hurts

When she walks away regardless of your efforts

But you gotta keep your head up

And not let all the shit pile up

So try to mellow out with another hit

And never, never fucking quit

 

Cause I know its hard to believe

To chill out and not to grieve

Everything that happens, serves a purpose

So don’t worry if you’re currently dateless

Cause your paths just haven’t crossed yet

She’s still out there like a summer sunset

 

Funny thing is, you may already know each other

But your feelings are a late bloomer

So just keep going with the flow

Cause the future you never know

People grow and change

So just because you ride solo, don’t feel strange

You’re gonna ride into her

And you’ll never have felt higher

 

Cause I know its hard to believe

To chill out and not to grieve

Everything that happens, serves a purpose

So don’t worry if you’re currently dateless

Cause your paths just haven’t crossed yet

She’s still out there like a summer sunset

 

I know its hard remembering the way

It felt to hold her on a cold night, its cliche

But looking at the stars never felt better

Than when I did with her

I just continue to think of the future

And how it’ll be better

Cause I’ll have you, I’ll be with you

It’ll be you I hold, it’ll be you

 

Cause I know its hard to believe

To chill out and not to grieve

Everything that happens, serves a purpose

So don’t worry if you’re currently dateless

Cause your paths just haven’t crossed yet

She’s still out there like a summer sunset

 

So I continue to wait for you, for you

Invitation

No Editing done to the writing itself… I wrote this is under an hour between classes, just let it come–

Remembrance of the warmth of a summer some years past. The sounds serenading my mind as I listen to those words that work to soothe my mind. With the attempt of a memory of a happiness. It comes down to another, to bring me the memory. Alight by the sun, as it shines here on my words. As the sun fades, it reminds me again of just where I am. Here I am, back to the wall- becoming a realization of repetitiveness- still searching for answers. You’ll never read this, though I may wish you could. Your reaction could be a solution; maybe only shortly lived, but  solution nonetheless. To me, you are a mystery, and personally, I love solving mysteries and puzzles. On the outside, you draw my attention like a beacon on a dark night. Sadly, I can’t say if what you have locked away would be the final means to pull me in.

Look at me as a man. Alone on a cliff, overlooking a vast world filled with interpretations that need directions to see. Many a time, the world is empty, cept for its streams and trees. For me, this landscape is majestic. Here I can search for and even sense, moments of clarity and understanding. Yet I’m still missing something. On this cliff, I am still alone. Even with all that surrounds me, I can feel the loneliness from within. Step back to the cliff and place a figure beside me. This figure will be you- Mystery girl. If you were willing to share this moment with me, then the whole interpretation is altered drastically! The inner longing and loneliness would cease to exist and become instead, an internal fire roaring to fill me with a new found warmth. One of which I have only felt a limited amount of times in my life. My insides would beam as your exterior beams towards me and draws me in. from my exterior, I bet you’d never be able to fathom what thoughts lay hidden inside my mind. It’s like I said in class once- I stay hidden in the appearance of a “nobody” until the time I deem it proper to become a “somebody” and show what hidden features I have to offer.

They may say that one will never find love until they are at a point where they will cease to look. I can’t fathom a time in my life where I could see myself giving up like that. Many may disagree with my view of that being one giving up, but that’s my opinion to live by. I will continue my search for that figure to stand with me; high above on my figurative cliff. The figure to feel what I feel- the internal fire. I feel I am a good judge of a person and I find myself more and more, seeing you as a great companion. How I’d approach you, I have not a clue. So this will probably stay as my secret. Locked away inside me. Constantly dancing and twirling like the embers of a fire. Will it burn me or draw you in? maybe in the future you will have that answer for me after you look up at me from reading this. I’ll be waiting on the cliff for you… Here is your invitation to join.